Changing

I have reverted most of my previous posts to being unpublished on this blog. I know it is something that many people have viewed and found informative or interesting, but at this time I feel it is time to change some things. A blog has been a very useful platform to write about some very serious issues in my life and it has served a purpose to help myself work through some really rough days, but with changing comes different things and different ways to approach challenges.

Thank you to all readers who found value in my writing.

I will not give up.



Being the wife of a combat veteran with PTSD is challenging. He is partly the man I met and fell in love with, and partly a whole different person. Some days he's more in control of things, and other days the PTSD is very obviously in charge. I used to have trouble seeing my husband and the PTSD as different. It was entirely in control of him and our lives. I know this illness and the effects on our family is something neither of us chose to have happen. Now that it's a part of our lives it's a battle to stay together and sane. We're both trying hard and fighting our battles...  

My husband and I kissing. This picture is from some years ago.

I Will Not Give Up

When anxiety rears it's big ugly head

I can not get myself back to bed.

I try so hard to block it out

But my brain gives me something else to fear or doubt.

I ponder my future and question my past

How did we end up here when the choices used to be so vast.

  

Is this the ending place, the finish line for me,

Or will things get better, will that be a future I get to see?

  

My heart and dreams are no longer as strong

Surely somewhere along the line I did something terribly wrong...

 

I went from having such strength and power

To being the one the world and this illness would devour.

I gave you my all, I've been your cushion and shield

I've been with you, right beside you the whole time in your mental battlefield.

The scars I have are from your pain,

the regrets you dwell in drive me insane

The past that consumes you has destroyed me too, 

we will never be the same.

I've been thru the gates of hell

to stick by your side and try to make you well.

I made a promise I don't intend to break,

for better or worse my love I will not forsake.

I'll keep up the fight, I'll see it thru

Though I won't always know the right things to do

My love will always be true and

I will not give up on you.